A few months ago, I had the misfortune to take part in an awful one-day workshop based on an equally awful book called Radical Candor. For those lucky enough not to have had to wade through its relentless name-dropping, it is an inflated blog post telling readers that the secret to success is to be honest but respectful. I think the younger generation in Silicon Valley started recommending it to each other because it satisfied their need to talk about something other than sexual harassment, racial discrimination, and pay inequity—in other words, their need to talk about things that sound important but won’t make them uncomfortable or undermine the system that they hope will make them rich.

What crystallized my dislike was the way the workshop’s trainer danced around when asked if James Damore’s infamous memo counted as “radical candor”. It was definitely candid, but since “yes” would clearly have been an awkward response, the trainer simply avoided giving a direct answer.

That dance got me thinking about all the other things the tech industry doesn’t like to talk about. What ties them together, I think, is a deep-seated fear of change: not the superficial kind, like virtual reality or speech recognition, but meaningful changes in who we are, how we work, and the kind of society we construct. A quick search at your favorite online bookstore will turn up hundreds or thousands of books on how to start a tech company. Where are the books on how to keep one going? Where’s the guidance on what to do once your exponential virality or blitz scaling or whatever the hell they’re call it this week is behind you, as it inevitably will be some day? It’s as if Silicon Valley only cared how to pick up, not about how to maintain a healthy relationship. (The fact that there are more workshops in the Valley on the former than on the latter is probably not a coincidence.)

What companies like Facebook, Twitter, Google, and Shopify are doing these days is worse than a bunch of twenty-somethings (many of whom are physically in their thirties or forties) refusing to grow up and think about the long term because gosh, change is really scary. It’s worse, but it has grown from the same seeds. Hiring a dirty tricks outfit to smear your critics, or continuing to say, “But free speech!” after people are killed in Charlottesville, Quebec City, and Pittsburgh is cynical rather than immature, but springs from the same desire to avoid growing up—the same deep fear of real, meaningful change.