Evening and Morning Routine

Whoever goes to bed last:

1. Refill the bird feeder if necessary.
2. Bring in the cushions from the bench on the back deck.
3. Switch on the anti-goose laser.
4. If it’s looking stormy, tie off the wind chimes.
5. Check that the back door is locked.
6. Check the calendar and prime the auto-excuse generator with the titles of any incomplete homework assignments.
7. Feed the [redacted] and test the welds on its [redacted], then make sure the basement light is off.
8. Check that the front door is locked.
9. Refill the humidifier on the auxiliary breather. (Use distilled water, not tap water.)

Whoever wakes up first:

1. You only have ten minutes to deliver tea when the bell rings so be ready.
2. (Weekdays) Wake child.
3. (Tuesdays only) Check calendar and put out green bin and either garbage or recycling.
4. Appease the [redacted].
5. Switch off anti-goose laser.
6. (Weekdays) Re-wake child.
7. Breakfast/overnight email.
8. Empty humidifier on auxiliary breather.
9. Shower/shave/dress.
10. (Weekdays) Threaten child with loss of network privileges if they aren’t up in the next ten seconds.
11. Log on and try once more to beat back the forces of evil.